Film Criticism / How to write something that makes someone never speak to you again

Restricted Suns (22,22)   -  

(11,11) is a better number for people’s attention / film festivals and pacing / less is more!!

You’ve some great locations, costumes and use of colour (blue) going on, sound design - electricity sounds are nice.  I like some of the dialogue ‘after the purifying’  etc..  :)

My overall feeling about what you have shot is that it could cut tighter

Also i’m not sure if you have always used the best takes??

As mentioned the Titles are not very good; everything on screen / heard represents the film!!  If you cannot get a title designer / graphic designer just use a white typeface / typewriter on black background (as an example) - less is more!

So, going with this theme…  Dialogue - it’s mumbled and unintelligible in parts, particularly when he’s a cigarette in his mouth (07:30) , but even when not (14:50ish) - he doesn’t open his mouth when speaking!  Also the sound design is too high in the mix / or you need to ADR both their voices ? not a criticism just a technical fact..

I have a real problem with the guy in glasses / as far as his acting goes (17:05 is Bad) / use a another take or cut around it / him?  Cut the dialogue / Physically he moves Good on Screen..

The Bold Guy is a WAY better actor / character use more of him / if you have a choice / with out- takes / cut around Glasses Guy!

 - — Basically,  my feeling is that the audience need to identify or feel something for the leads in any film.   I detest this guy in glasses /   he gets better after losing the glasses, and says less!!  I can’t wait for him to die.  I don’t identify with the fascists either - so basically ‘do I care?’ well only that he dies soon ;)  Less is more - Steve mcQueen / Sean Connery hated saying lines and they did OK in their careers, by cutting most of the dialogue written - (its a film not a book) - he looks OK (I guess you think he’s cuddly?) His best bit is when physically climbing out of the bathtub near the end.

e.g. (09:01) ‘No you don’t, lets go’ is a pretty bad take - if you haven’t got a good one / cut out

I’m sure you’ve heard the expression kill your babies - when it comes to editing.  

To be fair,  the opening of the film should have your strongest OPENING..  I’d get rid of the whole opening scene - its a long slow take - with a tracking judder - or did I imagine that?  

Personally I’d start the film half way through (maybe you don’t like flash back / forward) but GRAB the audience and get them hooked with Intrigue / excitement - they want to see the outcome - THIS is a short film not a feature so you don’t have time for subtle symbolism - ooh, maybe we’ll come back to that later in the story and it’ll make sense? The audience don’t care.  At the beginning they want to be drawn in - long takes set the tone / mood -  but the time to tell the story including chase scene / exposition doesn’t really give you this …

Just for fun - Start the film at (11:45)  Its the darkness that makes things visible’   

great line - looks good / might be worth a watch!!  

at (14:37)  here’s your NEW title!!  The film begins :)   Why start a film at the beginning? - Tarantino 

Great - I’ll watch this for another 10 mins!!!! 

So,  the editing…  Its very conventionally cut (like an 80’s action movie) Fuck it up - jump through time - it’s a FILM / you have out-there ideas - why present them in a linear order?  It’s a mood / feeling you want to get across - the audience can play catch up whilst your film storms ahead.  It should be more experimental with the portrayal of narrative; in my opinion.

Personally I’d like to see a lot less time on each shot / we’ve all seen the Matrix (and Stalker) / take the beginning of scenes out /  e.g. running through the door way away from the search light.  lose first few seconds - Its a chase scene!!

Rather than the action happening within the scene / use the film process to convey the action too ?

I like how the sound in this scene / helicopter blades / feels like a heartbeat - but it should amplify and sonically burst open / rather than stay at the same tone.  Maybe a more industrial sounding / experimental soundtrack could be used - think Tetsuo - steal its sound track and see??

Check the sound design on THX1138  - I think a stronger identity for the world could be achieved / tied together with a ‘bed’ of sound representing the world, what lies underneath?

Here are some basic notes:

10:27 - I’d prefer not to see his gormless / childlike face as much as possible!  

10:30 - 10:47 - cut faster or start at 10:47 - (kill your baby!!)

14:50 - cut out this dialogue he is mumbling / start scene at 15:19

17:05  - bad acting / cut around?

17:44 - love the bathroom scene

18:54 - Is it just me -or, what is going on? - its gone all symbolic / poetic / why isn’t everything like this?

Hope this doesn’t all sound negative - its not! - I’m trying to be constructive and a fresh pair of eyes

Pity, we didn’t sit down and go through it together.  Hope this doesn’t sound too Harsh.  I’d like to help you make the best of this film, It’s Good!!  BTW:  Its not your film anymore its its own entity and you have to nurture it into something that you / the audience will like..