3 short - 'Plays'

Exile

A barren, sandy landscape with a few rocks and plants. There is a signpost in the distance stating ‘Eden 50
Miles’ pointing off stage. Adam and eve sit on a couple of rocks at the side of the stage.


EV: I’ve been thinking about things, now… he says that it was our fault for disobeying his wishes… yet, if I remember rightly, we only had free will after eating that flipping apple

AD: Yeah. so?

EV: well… if that’s the case, how could we have done anything wrong before or during eating the apple?

AD: uuh.. dunno

EV: So we ate the apple without free will and cannot be held accountable for the consequences after… It’s a catch 22

(pause…thinking)

AD: like what came first the chicken or the egg?

EV: well, that’s a load of bollocks too. Cos the chicken, like us, was put into the garden fully formed and only after our exit from Eden did mortality and birth begin.(under breath) All due to that damn apple

AD: (shaking head, sounding sarcastic) ooh.. that apple

EV: (with aggression mounting) But he put the blooming thing there in the first place

Ad: So what your saying is… he tricked us and knew we would eat the apple, because we didn’t have free will at the time

EV: … and now is blaming us for doing exactly what we were pre-determined to do

AD: (shaking head) wanker

EV: not only that… he threw us out of the garden, made us hungry and cold. An every-time I give birth or hit my foot or anything… (sounding emotional) it really hurts… (scrunches up face)

AD: (getting angrier and shaking head) Cock!

EV: So what’s he up to then…?

AD: err.. probably a bit pissed off about something

EV: yeah, well I tell you I’m pissed off. I’ve had enough of his hissy fits.. I swear (sound of distant thunder) he’s mental

EV: (stands up) come on… I’ve had enough of all this.
He’s got some answering to do (grabs Adam’s hand). Come on… I’m not flipping cooking and squeezing kids out
for the next five hundred years without some proper explanation about what the hell is going on and (lets go of Adam’s hand and opens arms wide to encompass her surroundings) what the blazin’ heck is all this about?

AD: he’s not gonna like it

EV: well what’s he gonna do?

(sound of thunder and crack of lightning, they both stare outwards – towards audience, looking scared. From behind his rock Adam reaches down and picks up an umbrella and stands up next to eve. They both look upwards as lightning strikes. He opens the umbrella above them. They look back to the audience and slowly hold each others’ hands)

(the scene gets darker and thunder claps loudly)

small oval objects start falling, being thrown, from the sky and splat around them and on top of the umbrella.

EV: that’s not rain (scrunches up nose, looking around)

AD: No, they’re…(bends down and examines residue) Eggs?

EV: The bloody coward! come on, I know your there, you’re everywhere, come out!

AD: (looking relieved now) I told you he had a sense of humour… everything’s going to be all right now, you’ll see

Ev: C’mon you chicken, get out here and tell us the truth.

(from stage right a man dressed in a chicken outfit comes out – Adam and eve both look relieved)

(The chicken man then pulls out of his plumage a machine gun and points it at Adam in a threatening and phallic way. Adam stares at him silently then bursts out)

AD: oh… you cock!

(Adam is shot down with a burst of machine gun fire – eve goes over to the body and kneels beside it and cradles Adams head – looks up at the chicken man and states

EV: Why?

(The chicken shrugs his shoulders and wonders off stage.

Eve stares at the audience and quietly states)

EV: oh… my… God






ALL About Eve

Eve – sat, clothed on a rock, smoking a cigarette – talking to audience – cockney accent in a Kathy burke style

So I’m like Hang on…

I get to loose my figure, I can’t drink or smoke and he gets what?

To prance around naked all day, enjoying Most of the fruit… hang out with his mates .. (under her breath)If they are ever created… and basically do what ever he likes..

I’m like…. Fuck Off

I may just be a rib to you… but do I get a say in all this?
And he’s like. (Pause – then in slightly gruffer accent)

Look, he’s made (points at self) in my image. I don’t do pregnancy, periods and all that. (pause)

So he’s feeling pretty shitty and offers me a deal.

He says… (gruff voice again)look, how about.. you can have as many orgasms, as often as you like, twenty-four hours a day.

(normal voice) And I’m thinking, ok, yeah… that’ll work

But I’m stuck with this fucking bozo, (points behind her) who as soon as he’s done; its’ like… cheers babe and the lights are out.

So I’ve been royally fucked over, (exclaims) again…

then this freaky looking, slimey phallus thing comes up to me and says..

(in Hispanic accent) ‘hey sisss-ter – you wanna some real action’ and I’m thinking – y-e-a-h - but then he goes and gives me this green round thing.

An I’m like eerm …thanks – what am I supposed to do with that?

Well the next thing Adam comes bounding along, going (sounding slightly retarded) ‘What ya got?, What ya Got’ and grabs it. So now I want it back, but he keeps going on (adams’ voice) ‘Adams apple, Adams’ apple’ . dancing around me, pissing me right off. So I’m getting well bothered and jump right on top of him. So he only goes and fucking bites into the thing.

(pause)

And from then on he’s been much easier to deal with

When he realised he was naked – ha! he looked a fucking picture.

And now that (raises fingers in inverted commas) “big brothers” out of the picture an we’ve this free will thing..

I can go shopping whenever I like, there’s twenty-four hour TV, we’ve the pill… condoms…

(Picks up and bites into an apple and with mushed apple in mouth states)

It’s the f-u-c-k-ing Bollocks.




The Flamin’ Zinger

This is set in a KFC in Bristol with a massage parlour next door. A zen master has just collapsed and an ambulance and police are at the scene:

Under his breath to no one– ‘Shit, shit, shit, oh fuck – bollocks’

Tarty Woman – ‘What’s happened to him?’ (Points at Zen dojo on stretcher being taken away.

Boy – he’s dead

TW- s-h-i-t. So you still serving or what?

B – err, I dunno, errm, what you want? (tips back his KFC baseball cap)

W – I’ll ‘ave a special chicky mealy dealy, with extra, S-p-I-c-e-y (sexily), sauce.

B – (raised intonation) ‘are you sure’

W – Yeah

B – Its just that he (pointing at stretcher) had the spicy sauce and (opening hands) well… I wouldn’t – (screwing up face)

W – isn’t he that weird guy from upstairs

B – Yeah. H-e-y, (Looks slyly) your from next doors aint ya?

W - Yeah I come in here all the time. You gona give me a discount or somethink.

B, (Scratches chin slowly) I could, like, y’know , (embarrassed and tongue tied) give you… extra fries?

W – oh yeah? you goner give me a large portion, ehh? (with wink)

The guy looks round at his colleague to see if he’s listening – there’s still a huge buzz with the police and ambulance crew / and onlookers.

B – Yeah I could do you a special deal

W – Well luvey, you see me right and I’ll sort you out (raising eyebrows)

He gets the box of chicken / chips and puts it in front of her – she passes a five pound note to him – on the counter – but he pushes it back.

B – listen, you girls, y’know, do ya do everything?

W- we cater for all requests, yeah, you should pop over – I’ll make sure you get a special deal-y

B- Uh – maybe – yeah

W – look, just come over on your next break and see if you like anything we have to offer

B- Ok, I’ll just have to wait for the manager to turn up, cos of all this… (points at commotion inside / outside).

W- Ok, ma luver, I’ll be seeing you